👁️🗨️ Visual by: Mireille van Bremen | www.thevisualmediator.com
🖋️ Text by: Simon Wiskowski | www.encounter.work
Want to bring any conversation to life, no matter who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about?
Connect to the here and now.
Next time you’re engaged in a conversation more than a few minutes long, as you listen to the other person, notice where in time they exist.
Are they in the present?
I doubt it.
Are they in the past?
Most likely.
Most people live in the past and speak about the there and then rather than the here and now.
“I was…” / “She said…” / “He did…” / “They didn’t…”
It’s all about what happened, rather than how what happened is impacting them now.
So, is talking about the past bad?
No.
Speaking about the past is normal and an essential part of conversation and relationships. But when a conversation mostly, or even only, exists in the past and doesn’t bridge to the present, how what happened in the past is impacting the present moment, it will feel stale and lifeless.
Notice the difference…
There & then: “How could she say that to me?! I mean, who says
that? It was just so out of the blue…”
Here & now: “Ugh… I’m just so frustrated with her! How could she say that to me?! I mean, who says that? It was just so out of the blue… I want to understand why she’s upset.”
To my ears, hearing how the person feels in the present moment, in this case frustrated, and what they want in the present moment, to understand, makes a HUGE difference. I immediately feel alive and connected to the humanity of the individual behind the words.
“Ok… cool. But how do I bring this into my life?”
Well, when you’re the one speaking, pause every so often, look inside yourself, and share how you feel. That’s it.
Begin to bring more of your present moment feelings into your conversations.
Interestingly, doing so will also bring you some self-understanding—you will learn which feelings you feel comfortable expressing, which feelings you feel uncomfortable expressing, and which people you trust enough to receive your emotional reality.
And when you’re the one listening, if you don’t know how the speaker is feeling because they aren’t making it clear, make a guess. Something like…
“Hmm… I imagine you’re feeling [insert feeling] about all that. Is that so?” (guessing only how they feel)
Or
“Hmm… are you [insert feeling] and wanting [insert what they might want]?” (guessing how they feel and what they want)
Example: “Hmm… are you baffled and wanting to understand why she’s upset?”
No need to worry whether your guess is right or not. They will correct you if you’re wrong.
Et voilà, now you’re connected to the here and now.
The conversation might, and very likely will, venture back into the past, and that’s ok. The point isn’t to connect to only what’s alive in each successive present moment, but to reconnect to the present moment every so often so the conversation stays alive and mutually satisfying.
Will that person be you?
Visit: www.encounter.work to sign up for a free drop-in session or to enroll in a weekly encounter group.
My name is MIREILLE VAN BREMEN
I value transparency, equality, fairness, peace and wellbeing, and I believe peaceful relationships are the result of how capable we are in listening and valuing each other's contribution in co-creating the future. This is why I create, design and offer products and programs that help us develop and use our visual and emotional intelligence to promote these values.
The foundation of my work is formed by two studies at the Willem de Kooning Academy of Art in Rotterdam, The Netherlands, and years of experience in the fields of graphic design, illustration, graphic recording, visual facilitation training and Nonviolent Communication based coaching, training, and conflict resolution.
I work as a bridge between complex ideas and audiences, using visual tools to clarify, present, and interpret information. Through graphic recording of discussions and visual facilitation of processes, I support getting all stakeholders to speak one voice, making it possible to create a joint vision of the future that all stakeholders are committed to.